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Random hormonal thoughts from a very pregnant mama



As we prepare for baby boy’s appearance (come on little man! We are waiting for you with great anticipation!), I am struck by some of the CRAZIEST thoughts that race through my head.


I fear the unknown. What if he’s born with a challenge or malformation we are unaware of? What if he doesn’t survive long after birth like we so feared with Charlotte? What if he’s born and we realize he has a cleft palate and cannot latch? Or he has some other challenge like Down syndrome?


Then I think, “man, what a blessing it would be if he does have malformations of some kind.” And I begin to be sad for him if he is perfectly healthy.


What??!! Have I lost my rocker? Is this crazy hormones talking? Most definitely. But then again, there may be something to this wild train of thought.


You see, this immense struggle and up-and-down medical journey with Charlotte is not one I would have ever chosen for myself or for her. However, now that I know all the incredible blessings that come with it, I worry I may take things for granted with baby boy, or that maybe he will have less perspective on the beauty and absolute gift this life is.


Because of Charlotte’s medical challenges, the worry, the “she may not make its” and the OR visits, I have a deep sense of gratitude for the smallest of things.


For instance, last week I took Charlotte to story time at the library. That doesn’t sound too unique or exciting. But I grinned from ear to ear the entire time for several reasons:


1- Charlotte was healthy enough to go to a public function without fear of germs and exposure.


2- she didn’t have an appointment that day to prohibit her from doing something fun and educational instead.


3- she got to play with other kids. Most of her interaction so far has been with adults- doctors and nurses to be more exact.


4- she got to be a kid. She danced to silly songs and had toys stolen from her by other kids. She babbled gibberish as she wandered the library freely. She tripped and fell a few times, let out a squawk of frustration and got back up to play some more. She was a kid.


5- I got to be there to witness it all.


Wow! What beauty that library story time held for me. I was filled with wonder and just couldn’t stop smiling.


And that’s why I say I worry about baby boy being 100% healthy. Because I know the beauty of seeing the world through lenses of immense gratitude and perspective. Lenses of hurt and pain overcome with healing and hope. And I fear losing that perspective.


Am I being crazy? Absolutely. Ha! But I hope I can channel these crazy thoughts into remembering our blessings throughout this beautiful boy’s life.


That when he latches and can successfully nurse, I praise God for a fully formed lip and mouth. That when he comes home within a day or two of delivery and I’m up all night with him, I remember what an honor it is I get to care for him rather than leaving him at the hospital. That when he fusses with colic I celebrate that’s all the issue is, rather than a malrotated gut or diverticulitis or a colidocal cyst or a failing kidney or a nephrostomy tube falling out his back.


I pray that I can keep the perspective of what a HUGE gift life is. What a huge gift his life is. And what an honor it is that God chose me to parent him.


So yes, we can call a spade a spade and recognize the crazy hormonal thoughts for what they are. But pregnancy hormones aside, I pray the message of my crazy thoughts remains with me throughout my son’s life - that life is precious, that the little things are in fact huge blessings, that gratitude is medicine for the soul, that this journey called motherhood is an honor and a privilege.


Now, hurry up little man! We want to meet you! ❤️❤️

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Bree Banks
Bree Banks
Jul 27, 2019

❤️❤️❤️ Sometimes my hashtag is #healthykidproblems, and I am

often aware of what a blessing it is to have these issues instead of the serious medical ones we’ve faced in the past. God’s goodness to us overwhelms me at times. ❤️ Thank you for your encouraging words!

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Terrie Koch
Terrie Koch
May 10, 2019

Oh my gosh Emily! As I read these thoughts I am reminded of how blessed I am to know such a grateful, kind, faith-filled woman. I can't wait to meet this little man! He's so lucky to have you both as parents.

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